He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
