I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
