When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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