Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
