Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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