they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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