I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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