I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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