Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
