This is the prime rib incident all over again
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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