What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
