I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
