Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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