so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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