i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize