y did u give ur computer a hand job?
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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