i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
If I die, sorry about rent.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize