What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
