this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
