my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
