Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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