Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
