Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
