Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
