Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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