just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
