Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
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