i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
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