took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
