does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
