I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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