I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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