Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
