You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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