I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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