How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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