I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
