I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
