im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
The police scanner is talking about you again....
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
