You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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