She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
