im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
