We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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