listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
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