we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
