he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize