You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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