call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
