Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
