we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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