four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize