Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
