not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
