I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
