Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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