Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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