And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
