yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
