If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Randomize
