I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
