so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
