Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
