dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
