I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm like, not good at living.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
