Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
