1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
