i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
