a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
